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    • 10 defining moments of the Sochi Olympics
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How The Stimulus Works

This year, taxpayer will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. Wat is an Economic Stimulus Payment?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.

If you spend it on gasoline it will to the Arabs.

If you purchase a computer it will to to India.

If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will to to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).

If you buy a car it will to go Japan.

If you purchase useless crap it will to to Taiwan.

And none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on

, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

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