Category: Humor


Bulletin from the Pentagon


 The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Louisiana, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq
and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don’t like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

 The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

American Corporate Ingenuity

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a 5 mile canoe race on the Mississippi River. Both Teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese team won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior executives was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the Japanese team had won because they had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So American management hired a consulting firm and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised that the Americans had too many people steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the American rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 Steering Supervisors, 3 Area Steering Superintendents, and 1 Assistant Superintendent Steering Manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. Ti was called the “Rowing Team Quality First Program,” with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and other bonuses.

The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.

Humiliated, American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year’s racing team was outsourced to India.


The Plan

gw12.jpgPresident Bush and Secretary Rumsfeld were sitting in a bar.

A guy walked in and asked the bartender, “Isn’t that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?”

The bartender replied, “Yep, that’s them.”

So the guy walked over and said, “Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?”

Bush answered, “We’re planning WWIII.”

The guy was stunned. “Really?”, he asked, “What’s going to happen?”

Bush said, “Well, we’re going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.”

The guy exclaimed, “A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?”

Bush turned to Rumsfeld and said, “See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims.”

GWB’s Eternal Reward

George W. Bush had a heart attack, died, and went to Hell, where he was met by the devil.

“I have a problem,” said the devil, “You’ve definitely earned your way in here, but we have too many tenants right now. I’ll give you a choice; you can select one of three other occupants to set free, but you will have to take up their punishment. Do you agree?”

George thought any choice sounded better than nothing, so he agreed. The devil opened the door to the first room. In it, Adolph Hitler was rolling a large boulder up a hill, and then ducking out of the way when it came crashing down on top of him. This routine was repeated over and over. It was Hitler’s fate in Hell. “I don’t think so,” said George, “I’ve got a bad back. I couldn’t deal with that.”

So the devil led him to the second room. In it was former president Ronald Reagan. He was swinging a sledgehammer, over and over, breaking big ricks up into little rocks. “No way!” said George, “I’ve got bursitis in this shoulder; there’s not a chance I could do that!”

The devil opened the third door. Inside, George saw former president Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his hands tied to a stake over his head, and his legs spread-eagled. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, engaged in her specialty. George looked on in disbelief, then finally said, “Yeah, this looks like something I could handle.”

The devil smiled and said, “Monica, you’re free to go.”