Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers.  They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.  The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.  These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals
2. Conservatives

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to  B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.  Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.  Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.  Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.  Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud.  They eat red meat and still provide for their women.  Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.  Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing.  They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.  Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.  That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America .  They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Q. Wat is an Economic Stimulus Payment?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.

If you spend it on gasoline it will to the Arabs.

If you purchase a computer it will to to India.

If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will to to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).

If you buy a car it will to go Japan.

If you purchase useless crap it will to to Taiwan.

And none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on

, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

Republican Stampede

Controls:
# Keyboard: Space Bar to stand up.
# Mouse: Left Click to throw shoe.

To make the math simple, let ‘s assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+.

Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up…  So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billion that equals $425,000.00.

My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a We Deserve It Dividend.

Of course, it would NOT be tax free. So let ‘s assume a tax rate of 30%.

Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes. That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.

But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket .  A husband and wife have $595,000.00.

What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?

Pay off your mortgage – housing crisis solved.

Repay college loans – what a great boost to new grads.

Put away money for college – it’ll be there.

Save in a bank – create money to loan to entrepreneurs.

Buy a new car – create jobs.

Invest in the market – capital drives growth.

Pay for your parent’s medical insurance – health care improves.

Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean – or else.

Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting back. And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.

If we’re going to re-distribute wealth let ‘s really do it…instead of trickling out a puny $1000.00 ( “vote buy” ) economic incentive that is being proposed by one of our candidates for President.

If we’re going to do an $85 billion bailout, l et ‘s bail out every adult U S Citizen 18+!

As for AIG – liquidate it . Sell off its parts.  Let American General go back to being American General.  Sell off the real estate.  Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.

Here’s my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn’t.

Sure it’s a crazy idea that can “never work.”

But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!

How do you spell Economic Boom?

I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 billion We Deserve It Dividend more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC .

And remember, their plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.

There problems solved.   Now onto the debate on Friday!

“You know,” she says, “I’ve heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let’s talk.”

The cowboy looks at her wryly and says, “Well I s’pose that’d be all right ma’am. What’d ya like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” says Hillary with a slight hint of sarcasm. “How about Iraq?”

“Hmm,” says the cowboy, sensing an attempt to perhaps belittle him, “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first: Horses, cows and deer all eat the same stuff–grass. Yet a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”

Dumbfounded, Senator Clinton replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“So tell me, then” says the cowboy with a smile. “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss Iraq when you don’t know shit?”

Angelica Pesce, 18, Rome, said, “It’s a much more useful present than something like a car, which will break down after a few years, or a holiday, which is over within a week. My new breasts will last a lifetime.”

The miracles of modern medicine.

Republicans suffering from any of these symptoms should consider seeking medical attention:

-You find yourself saying more frequently, “Dan Quayle, now there was one heck of a vice-president!”

-You support Second Amendment rights, but do not have the slightest interest in shooting your hunting partner.

-Just once, you would love to hear Dick Cheney say, “It is classified information, but I’ll shout it to the world: My ATM pin code is Q-U-I-N-T-U-P-L-E-B-Y-P-A-S-S!”

-You hope the next time America recklessly enters into war using faulty intelligence, it will be completely President Bush’s idea.

-You are having second thoughts about awarding Halliburton a no-bid contract to remodel your bathroom.

-You are starting to question the logic that Dick Cheney is not part of the executive branch because he belongs to Sam’s Club.

-You are getting tired of receiving holiday cards from an undisclosed location.

-You question whether being confined indefinately in Guantanamo prison is excessive punishment for failing to yield at a rotary.

-You are not willing to pay Scooter Libby to mow your lawn until his presidential pardon comes through.

-The FBI agent tapping your phone without a warrant keeps changing your order from mushroom to pepperoni pizza.

-You feel it would be improper for Dick Cheney to testify before a congressional oversight committee but would not mind seeing him raked over the coals by Judge Maria Lopez.

Although Bush laid claim to compassion when originally running for the office of president in 2000, it has taken 7 years to surface.

From The Guardian:

A president transformed

The first, a Terre Haute surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second, a surgeon from Gary responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”

The third, a Bloomington surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth, a Ft. Wayne Surgeon chimes in: “you know, I like construction workers…those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.”

But the fifth, an Indianapolis surgeon, shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.”

Apparently a gravedigger, Keith Chartrand, broke into a casket while he was digging a grave and stole a skull and thigh bone. Then he took them home with the intention of making an ashtray and pipe from the body parts.

He was discovered Wednesday after his wife called the police with a complaint that he had killed her dog.

Chartrand was charged with removing a body from a grave and with cruelty to animals.

The Democratic National Committee is currently polling Americans through the Internet to determine the electability of Hillary Clinton for the presidency of the United States in 2008.If you would like to show your support for Hillary and encourage her to run for President of the United States in 2008 please add your name to the bottom of the list below and send it on.

1. William Jefferson Clinton

2.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is Politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me the President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”

The father says, “Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

The little boy replies, “The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.”

This is a site that has to be seen to be believed. Reading entries from Conservapedia is almost like being educated in the 19th centuary. Here is one comparison:

US DEMOCRATIC PARTY

WIKIPEDIA

“The party advocates civil liberties, social freedoms, equal rights, equal opportunity, fiscal responsibility, and a free enterprise system tempered by government intervention.”

CONSERVAPEDIA

“The Democrat voting record reveals a true agenda of cowering to terrorism, treasonous anti-Americanism, and contempt for America’s founding principles.”

 He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It’s mid-winter;
and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice
with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.

 They decide they want to make a natural-looking open water for the
ducks to focus on, somewhere for the decoys to float. Now making a hole in
the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little
more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of
the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to
run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the
Navigator), decide on the following course of action:They light the 40-second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw
the stick of dynamite as far away as possible. Remember a couple of
paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, The GUNS, and the DOG?

Let’s talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING,
especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: The dog takes
off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite,
with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

 The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in
their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at
the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his Master, keeps
coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The
shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black
Lab.

 The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another
shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and
of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog
takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on
the truck touches the dog’s rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the
truck and takes off after his master.

Then ” “” “” “” “” BOOOOOOOOOOOOM “” “” “” “” !

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake,
leaving the two idiots standing there with “I can’t believe this just happened”
look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by Illegal
use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to
make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

 The dog is okay. . doing fine. And you thought Rednecks only live in the South.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Louisiana, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq
and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don’t like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

 The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

On the big day, the Japanese team won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior executives was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the Japanese team had won because they had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So American management hired a consulting firm and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised that the Americans had too many people steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the American rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 Steering Supervisors, 3 Area Steering Superintendents, and 1 Assistant Superintendent Steering Manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. Ti was called the “Rowing Team Quality First Program,” with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and other bonuses.

The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.

Humiliated, American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year’s racing team was outsourced to India.

LONG LIVE FREE TRADE!

This is your chance to hear the legendary crooner voice his thoughts on America’s current political situation–in the medium that made him famous. Just click the link below:

Frank Fights Terror

A guy walked in and asked the bartender, “Isn’t that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?”

The bartender replied, “Yep, that’s them.”

So the guy walked over and said, “Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?”

Bush answered, “We’re planning WWIII.”

The guy was stunned. “Really?”, he asked, “What’s going to happen?”

Bush said, “Well, we’re going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.”

The guy exclaimed, “A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?”

Bush turned to Rumsfeld and said, “See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims.”

“I have a problem,” said the devil, “You’ve definitely earned your way in here, but we have too many tenants right now. I’ll give you a choice; you can select one of three other occupants to set free, but you will have to take up their punishment. Do you agree?”

George thought any choice sounded better than nothing, so he agreed. The devil opened the door to the first room. In it, Adolph Hitler was rolling a large boulder up a hill, and then ducking out of the way when it came crashing down on top of him. This routine was repeated over and over. It was Hitler’s fate in Hell. “I don’t think so,” said George, “I’ve got a bad back. I couldn’t deal with that.”

So the devil led him to the second room. In it was former president Ronald Reagan. He was swinging a sledgehammer, over and over, breaking big ricks up into little rocks. “No way!” said George, “I’ve got bursitis in this shoulder; there’s not a chance I could do that!”

The devil opened the third door. Inside, George saw former president Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his hands tied to a stake over his head, and his legs spread-eagled. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, engaged in her specialty. George looked on in disbelief, then finally said, “Yeah, this looks like something I could handle.”

The devil smiled and said, “Monica, you’re free to go.”